Wednesday, October 15, 2003

Wow its been almost a month since i last updated and so much has changed in my life. I leave to return to gainesville in late december early january. Ive met the girl of my dreams, their is so much more there than i could ever explain. The connections i feel with her run deeper than anything ive ever felt before and i dont want to take the chance of letting that slip away. I had such high expectations for all of this, for every anger, every heartbreak, every painful reminder from my past. Nice guys dont always fiinish last, they just have to work harder to reach the finish.

Ive been conisdering alot of what has gone on in my life in the last year. Every mistake, bad decision and choice that ive made. I realized ive lived my life for the people around me and never really lived it for me. Im the one who is supposed to be happy with my life, not my friends, not my family, nor anyone else around me. Im tired of going in endless circles and keeping myself in this depression. I want to rid myself of this angst, this guilt, this pain. Im tired of running my life into the ground to make those around me feel better. Im tired of being a victim. Some people say you have to make a conscietious decision for that to happen. It took alot for me to finally recognize that no matter what I am going to have to strive to make this goal a reality. I am the only person who can fully affect my life and alter the path that i am going down.

Motivation seems to have to be the key factor, that and the want to take the risks ahead of me. Ive always been one to confront the challenges life puts before me. Im tired of going over the roadblocks it puts up, now im just going to go thru them. I never had this motivations before. I just didnt care, it was something that eluded me, something that i saw in other people and envied. I have it now and i dont ever want to let it go.

The decisions i make today alter tomorrow and everyday thereafter. Whether good or bad i have to stand by the choices i make. I have gone on and on in the past about how im going to change, how im going to do this and that and make things better for myself. Thats just doesnt cut it. Im not going to go on and on about what im goin gto do with life, school or work. Im just going to do it. There is no room for talk anymore only action. I hope this is the right path.

The girl in my life now has to be the most unbelievable person i have ever met. We connect on so many levels its breathtaking. She adds something to my life that i have been missing for a long time. i wake up next to her in the morning and smile. To me every flaw i find makes her more perfect. She doesnt judge me, nor do i judge her. Im falling hard and fast and this time i dont care. Im letting go and seeing where life takes me. She goes to UF next semester, so im following. Ive finally let things fall into place and shes helped me make sense of alot in my life. I've realized that no matter what id do, whether i graduate or not im going to be successful, because i want to be, because i have the drive to be, because i can. In the end it doesnt really matter where i am but just how determined i am to follow thru.
She supports the decisions i make and has faith in me, its been a long time since someone has had faith in me. It feels good. Whether she and i get into a relationship or not, im going to want to keep her close. She is quickly becoming one of my closest friends if not more than that. much more than that.

well i felt this was needed, its been a while since ive written and ive gotten some thigns of my chest and ive got much better at articulating my feelings. its great. it feels good to express the things ive held inside. Im finally finding my peace. to be free, that is the true adventure....

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