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Saturday, September 20, 2003

Well its been a long time people and i have a feeling ive probably lost alot of the people who were reading this. Im sorry.

To bring things up to speed ive been seeing a wonderful girl for the last month now. Im taking things slow but because of my issues with commitment and such. That huge issue plus this overwhelming urge to run away is really causing me to lose faith in myself/ Im slowly losing touch with everything i hold dear and that isnt healthy. Im losing a general grip on reality as well because i hardly ever sleep anymore, Nor do i try to keep track of the days. Life has just become this constant blur of good times and drowning my memories. I dont think its healthy nor do i think ive finding out what it is truly to be altruistic as i have found that being nice to one person alternately means being mean to another and vice versa. This situation keeps coming up more and more with my group of friends.

Strange how sometimes the best of situations can bring out the worst in people. The more i look on my past the more i realize how much of a spiteful vindicitive person i was. I also realize how manyrea dickheads there are in the world as i go along. For all who want to know it isnt the victims fault nobody asks to be hurt, but if said victim is hurt in the same way again, well then they are no longer a victim.



Now back to more coherent thought. Ive been writing alot lately as well as working on my book. Its all coming along nicely in my eyes. Ive been trying to focus on the days ahead and not on the past. But fgor some reason delving into my past is helping me learn so much more about myself. Ive also teetered a bit and have found that physical pain helps me to escape so it seems im getting more and more into piercings and such. Ive also found that i care just a tad too much. Giving much more of myself than i take in return. Generosity though is a good thing, right?

I have so many things to say and this huge post with which to say them but for some reason i just cant post it. It is too open so many things dont have closure and its very hard to deal with the feelings i have for people like girl ive been seeing and my new best friend, etc. Im just so confused. Ill figure it out someday, but until then im going to just try to live my life and have fun.


For all who know me the lastest on my life is this. Im focusing on school and am going to graduate from college now, no more procrastination. Im also focusing on cultivating a more serious relationship with my new g/f as well as having alot of fun with my brothers and best friend. Ive dealt with alot of drama as well, such as suicidal friends, fights, etc. Im worried some people i care about are going to fall apart and that im the only person holding the seams together. Im especially worried about my brother, he seems really distant and depressed all the time. Im just hoping he knows that he can turn to me for anything, thats just what brothers are for.

Well eventually i will post my the story in detail, or maybe ill disappear again, funny though because i really had every intention of getting this off the ground but it seems my goals are a bit slowed. Between helping my dad, being there for my mom to talk to, worrying about my brother, best friend and everybody else im spread a little thin. And like i said being nice and caring can be being mean and not nice to another such as my readers. Im sorry but some things in life are more important to me than this blog such as my family and close friends. I will do everythign i can to be there for every single one of them, and when i have time to keep this blog going i will. Plus sometimes i just need to escape and well this is my escape route, its a very good one i think. well good night
more to come later

Tuesday, September 16, 2003

Wow time flies when you suddenly have a life and way too many responisbilities to handle at once.

Tuesday, September 09, 2003

: Jason
Comments: For one..i dont know who said anything about getting anyone..im glad marie knows i just wish i was the one who told her... im not out to get anyone.. i have to get on with my life as well you should get on with yours..i wish you the best of luck.. i dont talk about anything im not out to hurt anyone for anything i dont know what anyone in my family is doing but they arent doing anything. im responsible for my actions. no one else. what i did was my fault. i messed up. i just wish i told her sooner so i could be complete with her. i wanted to tell her i did.. that wasnt a lie. i have no more lies . nothing holding me back. its time to be me. not a figment of the past. as well should everyone . whats done is done and cant be undone. i fell into love with a girl without being completly honest.. for all you people that read this..dont make the same mistake i did. i love her with all my heart.. this is the first time i acually looked at this page.. and it will be my last..i want to get on with my life as well should you. im sorry i was a bad friend.. we had messed up times together..some fun..some bad..the one thing i do regret is hurting you and marie.. im sorry forthat and will forever be sorry... have a good life ..
jason
"james"


Hmmm. Ive been wondering how i would react if this ever came about. The one day where he would actually post an area of the blog. I thought alot about the feelings i would harbor and how i would react to the situation. I thought about all the mean things i could say, all the arguments or insults i could slew and so on.

Well, its just not in me anymore.

There is no longer the resentment i felt before. No feelings of needed revenge or anger. No hate, no rage. I dont even have those feelings of betrayal anymore. There were alot of good times jason, alot of bad as well. Its just that these times helped me become who i am today. Life teaches us all lessons. I was taught to be humble, but i always realized that their were consequences to my actions. I think thats the one thing you never wanted to realize, that you were responsible for your own actions. Its been a long 7 years man, a real long journey. It was about time we all met reality head on.

Take your peace... jason. Know that no one i know is going to bother you, and nobody is out to make your life hell or cause you problems. Its over, its the past. I hope you find your path in life jason.

Goodbye

Wednesday, September 03, 2003

Hah dissappear for a few days, and suddenly you come back to find the world does exist and some people are a rather interesting lot. Latest guest book entry, for those who cant see the private entries.

Theo
: Internet search
Comments: You're a fucking loser. You're very ugly and you need to lose weight. You're disgusting and you need to get a life. Your girlfriend was an ugly bitch anyway so get over it and get a hobby where you can actually socialize with people who are obsessed with dungeons and dragons and video games.

On a personal note i never obsessed with video games and dungeons and dragons, your mistaking me for my ex best friend.

Hah i love when people talk an exhorbinant amount of shit yet have no idea what they are talking about. I dare say this person has inferred quite a bit that they have no idea about or they just happen to be someone i know or know someone i know. And truthfully id wonder where they got fat from because im far from fat, lol.

Ive avoided the blog because ive met someone that appreciates me for me. Ive also been focusing on getting my degree. Im coming up on september and my 22nd birthday and have realized a little more about myself. I havent been online much and i know thats going to kill me in the long run. Sucks being a computer engineering major, lol. I have 3 updates ill be posting in this blog that will detail my journey as of late for all of you who are wondering where the hell i went. Sorry for pulling the houdini act. Ill be back later.

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