Sunday, August 24, 2003

Alright, now I'm actually posting, it took me so long because I'm a moron and didn't realize my invitation was sent to junkmail. But now I'm finally a part of this wonderful project and am happy about it.


Wednesday, August 20, 2003

Also until i can figure out why the blog isnt loading correctly just click the archive for this month and it will fix the load on the blog.

Well its taking even longer to get settled than i anticipated. It is slowly hitting me that nothing is the same anymore. Old place... new faces, its really weird. Ive enrolled in classes and gotten my old job back. I just realized that i also graduate in 4 semesters, counting the one im enrolled in now. Im thinking ill keep going to school after that. I dont know why but i think its the best thing for me right now. I mean im only 21 why not see how far i can go.

Well for yesterday mornings post. Seems i didnt wake up in time and my morning turned out to be everyone elses afternoon. I havent been sleeping well these past couple of nights. Ive been doubting myself alot lately. I keep thinking about all the decisions ive made in the past 3 monthes and though i dont doubt that they were the right decisions, I wonder were there any other choices i could have made. Ive been cycling through almost 4 years of choices that led me down the wrong path and then it hit me. If i hadnt been thru it all i wouldnt be the person i am today.

Ive found some volunteer work around town, a homeless shelter and the little league fields. Im also considering doing big brother, but im not sure how to get into it.

Now to address something that i know has perturbed alot of you. The ever late posting of the rest of the entries of her journal. I find it not necessary to do that anymore but as she deleted the link to her journal im justing opening another blog and posting them as a link in this blog. It will be up as soon as possible for those of you who have only wanted to see that. They are edited and stuff that just gets in the way and has nothing to do with the content, such as surveys and other such crap has been removed. I apologize for the delay.

Now on to the people who want to here about the recent developments in my life. Friends have been trying to set me up on blind dates as well as i have attempted to meet people online and offline. For the most part, im thankful to say nothing terribly wrong has happened but i feel the need to stress that nothing terribly good has happened either. It is just coming along.

Ive also noticed something quite strange about people. the weather really affects how they react to your help. for everyone out there try it yourself, you will be surprised the reactions you get.

Im wondering though, where do i go from here. What shall i do with my life now that ive taken a new path. Why am i here and what is my purpose.
I think this project is blooming into something quite different then i expected. It showing me who my friends really are, the ones who are still here after i left them behind. Im thankful to have them and glad things are going the way they have. I am afraid though that im going to have to leave again in a year. I just think staying here to long wont help me grow as a person. This is my time to lick my wounds and find my peace, if you could call it that.

I feel its about time this blog grows up a bit, so for the next few weeks there are going to be some overhauls of this entire blog. Ive finally acquired a team large enough to take on the project in its entirety. Soon we will have video interviews and pictures and god knows everything else to document my life as i forge on thru the following weeks and monthes. I know this site cant support that, that just means its about time to move. Ill be making my decisions on webspace by the middle of December. As i have already done some of the preliminary work for the site ,which due to time constraints and the move cant be launched in August, im hoping for an early to mid september launch.

Id also like to ask that my team members start posting a bit more. You all know who you are and I will remind you all again in person when i see you next.
Im also doing one other thing. I would like to add a member, preferably female, who i dont know and who does know anyone else in the team. I want my outside perspective on this project damn it. Feel free to email me with why you want to do it and what are your reasons for wanting to do it. I would also like a description of yourself and your location (i.e state or country). You all know where to find the email address. That person once found will recieve full posting privileges on the blog, but these privileges will be given at my discretion, not to make sure you dont post things i dont like, but to make sure that nothing is posted that is offensive (ie racist, abusive, etc) I will be accepting these submissions until the end of September.

Tuesday, August 19, 2003

posted, didnt post got deleted, not happy will post it all in the morning, was a long one too. blech

Monday, August 18, 2003

Well ive finally followed through on moving out. Its done and im now 2 hours away from any reminder of the past. For those who read this i say yet another thanks and expect many mroe installments now that im back in the company of close family and friends.

Its odd, in the last 2 monthes ive learned more about myself than i thought was possible. I took a long hard look on the past and my mistakes and realized where i went wrong. I put too much trust in something i had inklings was going to cause problems from the start. I should have seen all the signs but i ignored them because i was naive.

Lately though ive been having fun, doing things i couldnt do before. Im back in my element you could say.
Well the move is finally over and i can devote a little more time to this blog. More developments as of late and a few new stories to share. Tonight at 11.

Sunday, August 17, 2003

I really don't see how any of this is Charles' fault or why James' family would be "out to get" him. James said he wanted to tell Mary himself and he had like a month to do it, but unfortunately he failed so Charles spilled the beans. It's not like this all would've gone away if he didn't.

Friday, August 15, 2003

Well by looking at the guestbook i see we have a few new voices, two of which i have an idea who they are. I also have a message for "james", its seems ive heard your out to get me for sparing your ex the pain i had to deal with. Well fine come after me, feel free. But be warned should you feel the need to try anything, remember who everybody is still friedns with and realize the consequences of your actions. I want closure on this and i would rather it come without anyone getting "hurt". Let it end here without any further "casualties" of love and war. Im now moving on with my life, im out of gainesville, im away from everything that was tearing me up inside. Now it is time for me to heal. SAlot of people have learned some very harsh lessons about life in the last month. ive realized life isnt fair, and sometimes being the nice guy doesnt mean being nice to everyone, its doing what you can to help a friend. "Mary" i hope you get through this and on with your life. I wish you the best in life. "James" i think its about time you grow up. You need to realize that what your trying to pull doesnt cut it anymore and that this is real life and your not going to get away with everything anymore. "vallery" i think i can forgive you for almost everything but some things can not be forgotten.

Life has a strange way of teaching you lessons. betrayal seems to be a constant in the human species, i prefer loyalty. Maybe someday ill find another loyal friend, not someone waiting to ruin my life.

P.S. "James" ive heard as well your family is out to get me. I dare say it would be in your best interests to have them back off and you to get on with your life.

Wednesday, August 13, 2003

Finally relief. My ex best friends girlfriend knows the truth now. Its a huge load of my chest and i think ive just found the closure i needed by saving a friend the heartache i felt. I hope she figures everything out and knows ill be there whenever she needs to talk.

Saturday, August 09, 2003

Well days have past, yet uneventful. Work is killing me, moving is killing me. I have found a few bright spots in my day, and im hoping that they stay there. Im preparing for the move home, im kind of leery as part of the reason im moving home is to help my dad financially. Im going to keep letting him think he is helping me out, so he doesnt feel bad knowing one of the reasons his son is moving back in is to help him keep afloat. Ive grown up alot since i left home, sometimes i think way to fast. The latest events in my life have sped that up even more so. Im even going so far as to question what i did that may have led to these events happening.

I did something today that caught me off guard, it caught me off guard because it was reflexive. Im rather tired though and its a long story so i will post it later.

Friday, August 08, 2003

Ok on to what some of you people are wondering about. Her journal entries, we were going to post them, so in a turnaround she posted them of her own accord. She has yet again deleted them so frank is back at it. He will be posting the edited entries as of august 15th
Well here goes. In a nutshell i have been slowly bringing my things home. As this project progresses i start to see more and more of what i expected, people questioning my motives as to why i am being nice. I have been getting a better response from people in general, but i cant shake the nasty responses i get. I actually got a rather interesting response from a guy the other day, he got upset because i opened the door for him and his girlfriend. He gave me a nasty look and said "She's taken." Weird, the thought that opening the door for someone was a route to pick people up never crossed my mind. I also volunteered some time helping at a local blood drive. It was an eye opening experience to say the least. I met some really nice people and everyone reacted well when i helped out. I think i may have just found out where all the nice people are. They are out helping other people. It felt good to do it. It made me feel good about myself as well, i never knew it would make me feel that way.

I think i am going to try and volunteer more of my time to helping out. When i move home im going to check on volunteering at the local hospital and maybe a homeless shelter. For the first time in a long time ive seen people actually smile and it not be fake.

I've started noticing more and more the qualities about myself that made me think i was an asshole, but im noticing more and more people exhibit these qualities in the world around me. "methinks" made me realize that alot of these qualities are inherent to everybody. That there is no clear cut line between being an asshole and being a nice guy. One of my other friends as well said something i found very interesting,it was something to the effect of "even nice guys blow up, dont be afraid to get angry, its normal." I wonder is this true, please feel free to sign the guestbook with your ideas on that.

Sometimes i wonder how naive people are, something was said to my ex best friends girlfriend, she didnt believe it and made a rather harsh comment about me. I care not to post it as it isnt that bad i just find that it is blatantly untrue, if she only knew....

i finally move in to my new place as of next friday. I feel relieved but still have doubts about this decision. Was it right, was it wrong. I feel like i didnt give gainesville a chance. I spent one year in this town, one year going to college here. I didnt like it, then i was given reason to leave. Weird when i look at it that way.

That empty feeling is still there, it sits on the border of my mind nagging at me, taunting me. Im hoping to fill it with friends and good times. I think im past the whole emotions clouding my judgement phase and have pretty much settled into a state of acceptance. Maybe sometime i will find my closure. This year is showing some promise, new college, back with my friends, my family is there to support me, and now im getting my second chance on life. Alot of people dont get that. I am and im going to make the best of it.

I added another team member her names melinda, be nice to her. She may post, she may not. She has been my friend for 3 years and is pretty much one of my best friends now. Im trying to trust people again, i know it is too early but sometimes you have to learn for yourself. Wish me luck everyone

Thursday, August 07, 2003

now i havent posted in a few days, im in the process of moving home and have been making the lovely 2 hour commute there and back every other day. I will give a good update later tonight.

Monday, August 04, 2003

Oh and marie if you are reading this, im sorry i didnt tell you right off the bat, jason begged me not to, he said he would do anything. He said he was going to tell you himself. I wanted to give him that oppurtunity and he hasnt taken it. I apologize now for what i have to do. Read this blog and the accompanying link. It will shed light on the last 2 and a half years of my life and the last year and a half of yours. Jason is deceitful and was a horrible friend. He betrayed me , a best friend of 7 years just to get with my girlfriend, he even went so far as to tell her he loved her while he was with you. I hope by telling you this you dont make the same mistake i did. I didnt know and nobody would have told me if i hadnt found her journal. I have the oppurtunity to tell you so its all here. Read it, free your mind of any lingering doubts. Remember though im sorry i didnt tell you sooner, that is my fault.
Well it seems my ex has finally come to terms and is getting over everything herself. Feel free to read her unedited entries. I have included a link to them on the right entitled "washing away her sins" I havent had a chance to see if they are all the entries but she posted them, she wrote them, and they are her personal thoughts. Feel free to read them but dont judge her, judge her actions. As a person she isn't that bad, as a girlfriend and friend she was. I myself havent had a chance to go thru the entries but know all this, i myself had faults within these entries, but also know my ex best friend exploited these faults and told her i did things i didnt do. He did this with the sole intention of getting with her. I am slowly forgiving her because some choices were made do to things he said, but i dont think i can ever forgive him. Revenge is a very cold and bitter feeling and this blog has seen a bit of it. Im slowly learning i dont like it, i dont like the feeling and im tired of trying to fill the empty void inside me with it.

Weird how one day you think your life is fine and the next it falls to pieces. I lost alot basing the last few years of my life on my friends. We all have to learn sometime right. I keep replaying everything in my head and replacing seens with images of exactly what she did to me and when she did it. It really hurts. Everyday i act like i dont care, like it doesnt bother me. its true it doesnt bother me because its killing me. Its like that empty feeling you get inside when something is missing except you know this time its not coming back and even if it did, you know you dont want it to.

Now im trying to fill this empty space with this project of mine. Im trying my damndest to be the nicest most altruistic person i can and im getting shit on. People think im weird, women have gotten offended when ive opened doors for them. One even went so far as to be like "What you dont think i can do that myself." People, it seems, are very supsicious about any act of kindness as if it were a crime or the person doing it has ulterior motives. This makes me a bit depressed as it shows how far we have gotten away from caring about other people. So far in fact that when you make sure someone is all right or try to lend a helping hand, people shun you. So now ive gone from being widely accepted to being shunned. I dont get it.

Women are the worst for it. They either look at you oddly, avoid you, get mad at you for doing it, or get offended. Im not saying all women do it, i am just posting the negativge responses i have received. The other half of the time i get a smile or thank you for the things i do. I just never expected to get so many negative responses.

The more i think about it the harder i try, the harder i try, the more negative the response i get. Weird, i hope to figure this out soon.

Sometimes i wonder why i keep trying to pursue any form of relationship as it is becoming very apparent that i am being punished for one thing or another. If i can ever figure it out i will let everyone know why. Until then i will try to gain some grasp of why its happening to me.
Notivilization: flexible word. Can be used as a verb or noun, meaning having sex , fooling around and anything pertaining to the arts of the kama sutra.

I notived last night. Verb usage

I need to get some notivilization. noun usage

Sunday, August 03, 2003

Some more juicy entries, this time about a fellow named "John".

2002-09-16 00:01:00 I guess I was wrong. John and I talked on the phone for a long time in the last couple of weeks and it was so nice to talk to a guy who actually likes me, and not just wants to get w/ me. A few times we hung out and we were so close to kissing and we both wanted to, but it just wasn't the right opportunity. Well, In a matter of three days it went from "I'd rather be with you than my girlfriend" to "Lets be friends". This was after me and Char and John got drunk off our asses and John and I made out. I have so many mixed feelings right now. I liked him so much I didn't eat for three days cause I was alwayz thinking about him, we talked til 5am on the phone...and shit like that. I feel like such a whore cause I want him so badly, but this is so unusual for me I don't know what to do. I tried so hard but I can't come up with any reason I shouldn't like him.

2002-09-19 10:49:00 Anywayz, one of his friends asked him if me and John were hooking up...hmmmmm...and he said, and I quote, "I'd hit that!" Holy fuck, why does every guy say that to me? And I still get no notivilization. He was nice despite his raging horomones. Now, on the way home something unusual happened...I let John drive my car home and we were just talking about stuff and he said "I dare you to take your shirt off" I never turn down a dare. You could prolly guess what happened next.. I didn't turn down the dare, but he did ABSOLUTELY nothing. Bastard. He was talking about wanting to kiss me, and stuff, but he never did. He such a pussy. And the bastard invited me to the mall w/ him so he could go to Spencer's and buy a vibrating tongue ring...for his girlfriend! God, the shit I go through to make people happy.

Hmm well another large update tonight with many more entries frank feels should be seen. I will post more comments later on along with a much larger entry.
Ok well hmm. Ive been trying this nice thing for 2 days now. Im wondering why, as it seems im being nice to people and they are revealing to me more of what my ex g/f was doing while we were together. Hmm i guess they feel they are being nice to me in doing so. Weird

I have yet to understand this phenomenon.

Some Headline news here. Not only did she cheat on me with my best friend, she cheated on me with my other best friend Joe's girlfriend as well. I always wondered why she suddenly didn't want to hang out with her. Now i understand. I can understand wanting to experiment but at least tell me. That is just irresponsible especially when you are involved in a sexual relationship with someone you supposedly love.
Well time to remove the poll, the votes were tallied at an amzaing 51-8 in favor of posting, and it seems that frunk has taken the liberty of posting a taste of what is to come.

Saturday, August 02, 2003

The time has come for the first tidbit of journal entries to show themselves. First allow me to introduce the cast.

-Charles' ex-girlfriend: Vallery
-Charles' ex-bestfriend: James
-James' girlfriend (while these journal entries were posted): Mary

Various other names were changed as well, but they are insignificant. Keep in mind I will only be providing you with the juiciest parts of the entries.

2002-06-11 08:50:00,2002-06-11 05:53:29,"Yesterday was good. I went over Charles' house and was complaining that James was no where to be found and out of no where he shows up. We went to the school to get our transcripts, so we could bring them down to the college. I needed a copy for my orientation. Then we came back, and me and James played video games for a while. We all got hungry and me, Charles, James, Donald, Max, and Frank went to CiCi's. When we got home I got James hooked on Frequency. I love that game!
I left around 9:30 and James came with me. We met at a lake by his house, and spent some time together.*wink wink* I still like him so much, and I asked him why he was there if he didn't like me back? He said I like you alot, but I like Mary too. That's ok, he likes me enough to cheat on his girlfriend, I'm just happy that I can still be with him. I miss hanging out with him and talking to him.

2002-06-19 08:00:00,2002-06-19 05:16:28,Is this heaven?,"Last night work was ok, but that's not what my journal is centered on today. After work I called James, and it so happened that not only was he not w/ Mary, but he was at Donald's house. He asked me to come over, and even though it was late. I went over there, and we had the most fun! We played Frequency and cards and sat and talked and everything. I said how James likes playing games, right? Well, we made it up where every mistake we made on the game, we had to fool around for that amount of minutes. He got 36 min. and I got 45. I'll hold him to that. God! Will I hold him to that! Anywayz, the whole night we were flirting and kissing and it felt so good just to hang out with him, without Charles or anyone else around. I miss him already. Then Charles came home at midnight and our fun ended. Char and I had a fight or whatever you wanna call it, and I went home at 1:30, but not before I gave James a kiss goodbye.

Charles is down here at his brother's house now, where I currently am, and I just had to witness him talking to his ex girlfriend via aol instant messanger and he was actually being nice to her. It was unbelieveable, she started the conversation yelling at him for something and he simply asked her if something was wrong and tried to lend a shoulder of understanding.

I can safely assure you that is something he would not have done a few days ago, this project has truly begun.
I know they are the culmination of a weeks worth of waiting. I also know that if i post these entries now i will be violating the boundaries of the project. In essence i cant post them without ending the project before it has really come into existence. So hence i am not posting them. I have no control over my team though, as they have full rights to post what they feel on this blog and have the fully edited entries.

Something will definately be posted tonight.

Well im am at my dad's. It is a refreshing retreat from life in on my own. Im escaping all my problems and I know it. This has been needed for me to maintain some semblance of sanity. Well is is Saturday and i recognize the votes on the poll are rather steep in favor of the journals being posted. Tonight is a night where much may or may not happen. I know everyone here has been waiting for these entries. I know they are the culmination of a weeks worth of waiting. I also know that if i post these entries now i will be violating the boundaries of the project. In essence i cant post them without ending the project before it has really come into existence. So hence i am not posting them. I have no control over my team though, as they have full rights to post what they feel on this blog and have the fully edited entries.

This is proving to be more difficult that i thought, as now i am carefully considering every word before i speak. Im alot more quiet than i usually am and friends are wondering why. I havent told many of them about this project, and it seems they all think i am depressed. Hopefully i can get them passed that without divulging what i am doing.

I think about alot of the things ive done in the last 4 years. Every action i have taken is sitting on the boundaries of my thoughts at all times now. Im realizing how much of an asshole that i wasn't. It is weird to think about it because i prided myself on being an asshole that whole time, and i never really was. Kind of disappointing in the grand scheme of things. I wasn't the nice guy, I wasn't the asshole. I was just there.

Just something that came to my mind. A much larger post will be appearing tonight.

Friday, August 01, 2003

Today was interesting. I never realized being selfless and not thinking of yourself in a situation could be so hard. Well im going home for the weekend to prepare for the huge entry tomorrow night. Hope you keep reading and that its been interesting.
Ok its august 1st everyone so this project has officially started

I also want to get a few things straight before anymore people the need to judge me. First and foremost, my first few entries were very bitter. I know this, i readily admit it. I have also come to terms with it. This though is for all those people who felt the need to blame what happened on me. I had no idea it was going on. They were both my closest friends and I trusted them. When i found those journal entries and realized i had been betrayed by two of my best friends it was devestating. That along with the fact that they continued to act like they were my best friends the entire time it was going on as well as her still being able to say she loved me and sleep with me. Thats what made me so angry and vindictive towards them.

I will admit at first i made some very generalized and harsh comments about men and women . I did let my emotions get the better of me. I apologize for the statements i made.

You could say it was my fault, that i let this happen to myself and that i draw these things and types of people to me. You could then get a defense of he had no knowledge of it, so why shouldnt he trust his best friends. You saying he draws these types of people to him is very one-sided as you dont know him, have never met him and are making an assumption based on how society views people as well as your own personal views. I know my words left much room for insinuation but in the words of many a great persons, to assume it to make an ass out of you an me. Horrible humor but in truth assumption is the mother of all fuck ups. The only problem is its human nature, and i expected no less.

I am hoping though to prove alot of people who commented in the metafilter forum wrong and some right, link stage right. Im hoping as well to better myself as an indvidual as well as find myself in the process ( yes you can do both at the same time). This will be my ultimate act of altruism and im hoping in the end i will get a better understanding of myself and the world around me. I do realize that not all women are like my ex. I also realize and apologize for my generalized statements about women as well as men. Maybe ill even inspire some people to rethink themselves and why they do things, maybe ill even help some people to better understand themselves. Im hoping though, that if i can only do one thing , that i prove to myself that i am not worthless like my ex said. I am somebody, i deserve to be happy, and i am going to make it happen because i am the only one who can do so.

I originally said i wanted to prove nice guys finsih last. Thats not how i see it anymore. I want to find out why nice guys finish last, i want to gain my own perspective on the situation. I also want to see if i can acting as a nice guy, maybe attain that status of being considered a nice guy, and maybe even win. Those of you who have offered comments and criticsims , support or a story. I thank you, you have given me the grit and determinations to follow through on this. I desire to make it work, and now i have a real reason to do it.

In the end it is to better myself and move on. You can't live in the past forever.

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