Friday, February 06, 2004

Well just for a quick update, as of febuary 20th im flying out to california with my girlfriend katie's cousin justin. Im going to a photo shoot and a party at the playboy mansion. Im gonna have one hell of a time. After that im back to california for spring break and possibly over the summer. Is anyone seeing a pattern here. Things are going very well for me right now and im busting my ass to keep them that way. Everything works out in the end, ive realized that now. peace

Tuesday, January 06, 2004

well its been a long time since ive posted to this blog. So much for a year right. Well from this point on i dont know if im going to post again. So ill give everyone who still reads this a quick update. Ive met the girl of my dreams, for all those who know her name is katie. together she and i have escaped back to gainesville where i am now finishing my degree. I got a new studio apartment , no roomates so i dont have to deal with ignorant people anymore.

Since the incident that started this blog ive somehow lost the journal entries, if i ever find them ill post them just to appeal to everyone. It doesnt really matter anymore though. Well im off to bigger and better things and i hope everyone who still reads this to send me emails if they still want me to update it. later all

Thursday, November 06, 2003

defamation of character. hmm well considering using someones first name is not illegal, especially when they post it themselves well eh. Its just kind of suspicious when all the entries have the same ip. So you explain cookie monster but did blue use your computer for the entry you said was him. or how about the other two. Its rather strange now isnt it. And i know your going to read this. Wow you explain away one guestbook entry, One little entry and you think it redeems you. On the contrary it does no such thing. All it does is just make one wonder more and more what is wrong in your world. Personally at this point i really think you should just go away, let the topic end and move on with your life. Should yourself or "friends" feel the need to post to my blog for any other reasons i shall permanently ban their ips contact the blog website owner and tech support and have you blocked for harassment.

i mean posting your name is one thing but lets say i was to post your ip, that would be something completely different now wouldnt it.
Ok now im just having a fun epiphany day,
so i checked my guest book and figured why not lets match the ips and i realized the soniya person is posting as other people and then trying to make herself look good by admonishing them
its rather funny i think.
Cookie monster is her, Surprise? is her, the september 9th entry is her, as well as one of the private entries.
How sick and twisted is that.
quite the pathological liar we have here now dont we.
Get over it soniya im not with you for a reason.
YOUR PYSCHOTIC and live in your own little dream world.

Just by watching you perpetrate rumors only to say i started them. To try and make yourself look good by posing as other people on my blog guestbook so you can defend me. You are a very sick individual. the scars on your wrists from cutting yourself should have been a warning bell.
You really should seek mental help

Pathological liar much????
Going to Quantico *cough* bullshit
Full scholarship to UF *cough* bullshit
Going to London *cough* bullshit

geez at the rate we are going im going to have to get out a new pair of boots to wade thru it all.

stop pining over me and get the fuck over it
im not yours, nor was i ever
go away, die or do whatever you are going to do
i really dont care
never did
plain and simple
you cant even compare to Katie
so dont even try
thats why i broke up with you for her

I have my family
i have my friends
i have my love katie
and im leaving this god forsaken shithole again
and i dont care what you do
what anyone says

but one thing
since you feel the need to constantly put your nose into everyone elses business including mine
watch it
because eventually
your going to be taught a lesson
and i really dont think you are going to like it at all.

Tuesday, November 04, 2003

Time is such a vague perception. For every moment spent i find myself wondering where i have been. Its been a long journey so far. So many things have changed since i left gainesville. Ive fallen in love again. Ive found the reasons why i keep going forward. I know why i dont give up. My world was turned upside down, and now thats the way it stays. Being the nice guy is dangerous. People use you. They abuse you. Then when you defend yourself they play innocent. I taught them all a lesson. Being the nice guy doesnt mean you have to be nice all the time. It doesnt mean giving in and being completely altruistic. It means being honest and having a backbone. For all i care the people who walked all over me can go to hell. You people are spineless the minute someone like myself stands up to you. You play it like your the victim. All i have to say to all of you out there with that mind set is please kill yourselves. You will be doing all of us out there a big favor.

Im sitting here wondering what ever made me start this project. Nobody ever reads it anymore and it became a smear charles campaign in the end. Nobody ever really supported it. They reveled in the fact of it being revenge. People love to view the misfortunes of others as makes them forget about their own problems. It makes me sick. The people who revel in other people misery. These same people are the ones who gawk at accidents and watch reality tv shows. They cant handle their own lives so they have to find reasons to make themselves feel better about it.

Im sick of watching people, they are so unnappreciative. They dont respond well to any act of kindess. They are apathetic and indifferent. It makes me so depressed to think about it.

Wednesday, October 15, 2003

Wow its been almost a month since i last updated and so much has changed in my life. I leave to return to gainesville in late december early january. Ive met the girl of my dreams, their is so much more there than i could ever explain. The connections i feel with her run deeper than anything ive ever felt before and i dont want to take the chance of letting that slip away. I had such high expectations for all of this, for every anger, every heartbreak, every painful reminder from my past. Nice guys dont always fiinish last, they just have to work harder to reach the finish.

Ive been conisdering alot of what has gone on in my life in the last year. Every mistake, bad decision and choice that ive made. I realized ive lived my life for the people around me and never really lived it for me. Im the one who is supposed to be happy with my life, not my friends, not my family, nor anyone else around me. Im tired of going in endless circles and keeping myself in this depression. I want to rid myself of this angst, this guilt, this pain. Im tired of running my life into the ground to make those around me feel better. Im tired of being a victim. Some people say you have to make a conscietious decision for that to happen. It took alot for me to finally recognize that no matter what I am going to have to strive to make this goal a reality. I am the only person who can fully affect my life and alter the path that i am going down.

Motivation seems to have to be the key factor, that and the want to take the risks ahead of me. Ive always been one to confront the challenges life puts before me. Im tired of going over the roadblocks it puts up, now im just going to go thru them. I never had this motivations before. I just didnt care, it was something that eluded me, something that i saw in other people and envied. I have it now and i dont ever want to let it go.

The decisions i make today alter tomorrow and everyday thereafter. Whether good or bad i have to stand by the choices i make. I have gone on and on in the past about how im going to change, how im going to do this and that and make things better for myself. Thats just doesnt cut it. Im not going to go on and on about what im goin gto do with life, school or work. Im just going to do it. There is no room for talk anymore only action. I hope this is the right path.

The girl in my life now has to be the most unbelievable person i have ever met. We connect on so many levels its breathtaking. She adds something to my life that i have been missing for a long time. i wake up next to her in the morning and smile. To me every flaw i find makes her more perfect. She doesnt judge me, nor do i judge her. Im falling hard and fast and this time i dont care. Im letting go and seeing where life takes me. She goes to UF next semester, so im following. Ive finally let things fall into place and shes helped me make sense of alot in my life. I've realized that no matter what id do, whether i graduate or not im going to be successful, because i want to be, because i have the drive to be, because i can. In the end it doesnt really matter where i am but just how determined i am to follow thru.
She supports the decisions i make and has faith in me, its been a long time since someone has had faith in me. It feels good. Whether she and i get into a relationship or not, im going to want to keep her close. She is quickly becoming one of my closest friends if not more than that. much more than that.

well i felt this was needed, its been a while since ive written and ive gotten some thigns of my chest and ive got much better at articulating my feelings. its great. it feels good to express the things ive held inside. Im finally finding my peace. to be free, that is the true adventure....

Saturday, September 20, 2003

Well its been a long time people and i have a feeling ive probably lost alot of the people who were reading this. Im sorry.

To bring things up to speed ive been seeing a wonderful girl for the last month now. Im taking things slow but because of my issues with commitment and such. That huge issue plus this overwhelming urge to run away is really causing me to lose faith in myself/ Im slowly losing touch with everything i hold dear and that isnt healthy. Im losing a general grip on reality as well because i hardly ever sleep anymore, Nor do i try to keep track of the days. Life has just become this constant blur of good times and drowning my memories. I dont think its healthy nor do i think ive finding out what it is truly to be altruistic as i have found that being nice to one person alternately means being mean to another and vice versa. This situation keeps coming up more and more with my group of friends.

Strange how sometimes the best of situations can bring out the worst in people. The more i look on my past the more i realize how much of a spiteful vindicitive person i was. I also realize how manyrea dickheads there are in the world as i go along. For all who want to know it isnt the victims fault nobody asks to be hurt, but if said victim is hurt in the same way again, well then they are no longer a victim.

Now back to more coherent thought. Ive been writing alot lately as well as working on my book. Its all coming along nicely in my eyes. Ive been trying to focus on the days ahead and not on the past. But fgor some reason delving into my past is helping me learn so much more about myself. Ive also teetered a bit and have found that physical pain helps me to escape so it seems im getting more and more into piercings and such. Ive also found that i care just a tad too much. Giving much more of myself than i take in return. Generosity though is a good thing, right?

I have so many things to say and this huge post with which to say them but for some reason i just cant post it. It is too open so many things dont have closure and its very hard to deal with the feelings i have for people like girl ive been seeing and my new best friend, etc. Im just so confused. Ill figure it out someday, but until then im going to just try to live my life and have fun.

For all who know me the lastest on my life is this. Im focusing on school and am going to graduate from college now, no more procrastination. Im also focusing on cultivating a more serious relationship with my new g/f as well as having alot of fun with my brothers and best friend. Ive dealt with alot of drama as well, such as suicidal friends, fights, etc. Im worried some people i care about are going to fall apart and that im the only person holding the seams together. Im especially worried about my brother, he seems really distant and depressed all the time. Im just hoping he knows that he can turn to me for anything, thats just what brothers are for.

Well eventually i will post my the story in detail, or maybe ill disappear again, funny though because i really had every intention of getting this off the ground but it seems my goals are a bit slowed. Between helping my dad, being there for my mom to talk to, worrying about my brother, best friend and everybody else im spread a little thin. And like i said being nice and caring can be being mean and not nice to another such as my readers. Im sorry but some things in life are more important to me than this blog such as my family and close friends. I will do everythign i can to be there for every single one of them, and when i have time to keep this blog going i will. Plus sometimes i just need to escape and well this is my escape route, its a very good one i think. well good night
more to come later

Tuesday, September 16, 2003

Wow time flies when you suddenly have a life and way too many responisbilities to handle at once.

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